TORONTO – With the mayoral election less than a month away, John Tory is running on his record of turning Toronto into a stormwater-flooded city of breathtaking waterways. “Imagine it,” said Tor...
Canada promises to regulate legal cannabis with same fairness and efficiency as telecommunications
OTTAWA – Addressing concerns that many Canadians have about the imminent legalisation of recreational cannabis, the federal government has committed to applying the same common sense policies th...
KitchenAid’s new abduction oven rapidly cooks, steals your meal
BENTON HARBOUR, MI – Appliance manufacturer KitchenAid has complemented its lineup of induction and convection products with a state-of-the-art abduction oven that briskly prepares and then kidnaps yo...
Who didn’t set their gym on fire and murder dozens of classmates when they were a teenager?
By Carrie White As I watched the claims against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanuagh unfold last week, I admit I was disturbed. Not by the alleged details themselves, but by everyone’s rush to judgme...
South Korea mandates conscription of youth into K-Pop groups
SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – As an escalation of the global culture war, South Korea has mandated the conscription of all its youth to serve time in a K-Pop group. At the age of seventeen all South Kore...
Clean up continues after annual Ford Fest orgy
Vaughan, ON – Combing through the piles of empty drink cups and bottles of lube, efforts are still underway to clean up after this year’s annual Ford Fest fuck spree, with many attendees noting ...
Irving Corporation to announce the real winners of New Brunswick election before polls close
FREDERICTON – The CEOs of Irving Group of Companies will declare the official winners of the New Brunswick election later tonight well before polls close for the non-official election. Citizens ...
Sweater mostly cat hair at this point
MONTAGUE, PEI – Sporting her favourite sweater for a weekend gathering, friends of local woman Theresa McCallum, 34, revealed today that the black turtleneck she was wearing was undeniably compr...
Outdated sex-ed curriculum already has Ontario students pulling out
QUEEN’S PARK – This week the effects of Ontario’s outdated sex-ed curriculum were put on display when many students across the province began to pull out of class. “Everyone knows that pul...
Ex-White House aide wishes he hadn’t recorded over all his Trump tapes
WASHINGTON – Recently fired White House aide Marvin Gao is beating himself up for recording over all the secret tapes he made of President Donald J. Trump. “It wasn’t just [former assistant to the pre...
