WASHINGTON – Recently fired White House aide Marvin Gao is beating himself up for recording over all the secret tapes he made of President Donald J. Trump.
“It wasn’t just [former assistant to the president] Omarosa or [Donald Trump’s former attorney] Michael Cohen, you know,” said Marvin Gao. “Literally everyone I worked with had at least one incriminating recording of Trump. And now they’ll get all the publicity.”
Sources close to Gao report that he initially safeguarded his multiple surreptitious recordings of the president for “leverage” and “possibly a CNN appearance,” but that he stopped when he realized there’s “already so much stuff on him.”
“The one where Trump asks [Secretary of Defense] Mattis why he can’t just annex Canada – that one I deleted mindlessly,” said Gao. “Oh, and I would have kept the video I took of him asking [current personal attorney] Giuliani to put a hit on [Special Counsel] Mueller, but I really had to watch the Season 13 finale of America’s Got Talent.”
“Actually – and I’ll have to look around – but I might still have the one where he choked on a Diet Coke.”
At press time, another White House aide somehow injected a small microphone into Trump’s deltoid and set up a 24-hour live feed of the president.