ITHICA, NY – As punishment for drugging and gang-raping a young woman for over seven hours in 2024, Cornell University has assigned the seven known perpetrators to generate essays using ChatGPT.
“We really want this emotionless plagiarizer machine to think hard about what these seven men did,” said Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff. “Seeing as ChatGPT loads Mother Earth up with toxic substances, repeatedly violates her, destroys her future, and encourages others to do the same, it just feels commensurate with the crime that we prevented any criminal investigation into.”
Upon receiving the assignment, Cornell 7 member Johnathan Newell messaged a Snapchat group of 57 other large language models advertising “free essay.” Claude responded with the question “slop still open?”, while Grok expressed particular interest in “whipping it out.” Not a single member of the group chat reported the messages.
“We strongly support these young men’s rights to have AI generate their essays for them so they have time to continue to participate in student life, by which I mean rape people,” continued Kotlikoff. “And then, upon graduation, become doctors who rape people, and presidents who rape people, and university administrators who protect people who rape people.”
At press time, Johnathan Newell, Matthew Ingalls, Winston Lee, Gillio Lopes, Diego Sarabia, Scott Norris, Scott Kretzschmar were all fucking monsters who deserve to rot in prison and/or hell.
