TORONTO – The hockey community is devastated at the loss of their only joke with the Toronto Maple Leafs having advanced out of the NHL’s first round of playoffs for the first time since 20…
John Tory admits to fucking Toronto
TORONTO – In breaking news, Mayor John Tory has announced his resignation after admitting to fucking Toronto. “It was a serious error of judgment on my part,” the longtime polit…
Milky Way galaxy shut down after discovery of human fighting ring
ANDROMEDA – The Intergalactic Law Enforcement Bureau (ILEB) has announced an immediate seizure and shutdown of the nearby Milky Way galaxy upon discovering the presence of a long-running hu…
“Athletes have the easiest job ever,” says man who would cry if his employer traded him to Winnipeg
Mississauga, ON – Local supply chain middle-manager Arnold Buckler has come under fire for recently stating his belief that athletes have the easiest job ever. This statement was made despi…
Most gorgeous woman you’ve ever met dating local potato
Burnaby, BC – Local residents were shocked and confused to learn that 27-year old Rachel Besimille, a woman so gorgeous that she has caused many to re-evaluate the 1-10 rating scale entirel…
Resident Evil Village Review: A relaxing escape from reality
RACCOON CITY – The eighth instalment of the Resident Evil franchise continues right where the series left off, inserting the player in a zombie-infested post-apocalyptic wasteland that quic…
Local man eats ghost pepper as excuse to finally cry around his friends
Hamilton, ON – Twenty-six year old Julian Tormeida was recently spotted on an endorphin fueled rush as he finally cried in front of his childhood friends due to the assistance of cleverly p…
Hyper-realistic sex doll will now masturbate itself to orgasm afterwards
SAN DIEGO – A California based company known for its sex toys and other mature playthings has recently announced the launch of their newest sex doll which simulates hyper-realistic sexual e…
Local Sommelier just fuckin’ guessing
Niagara, ON – The wine-loving community was shocked today to learn that local Sommelier Jacob Tillaney has been absolutely just fuckin’ guessing every time he gives tasting notes for a bott…
Philosopher doesn’t feel so smart after getting run over by trolley
MISSISSAUGA, ON – A local philosopher has found himself rethinking his active career, worried that academia may have failed him following a Sunday morning dilemma that ended with the 42-yea…