Who didn’t set their gym on fire and murder dozens of classmates when they were a teenager? - The Beaverton

Who didn’t set their gym on fire and murder dozens of classmates when they were a teenager?

By White

As I watched the claims against nominee Brett Kavanuagh unfold last week, I admit I was disturbed. Not by the alleged details themselves, but by everyone’s rush to judgment. These supposed misdeeds took place when Justice Kavanaugh was 17 and 19 respectively. Who among us hasn’t done things at that age that they later regret, whether it be sexual horseplay that went too far, or using your recently discovered telekinetic powers to electrocute, crush and immolate dozens of your classmates at the senior prom?

Just like Jonathan Zimmerman of USA Today argued, “teens do stupid, dangerous and destructive things.” The National Review also summed it up well when they said “Teenagers in general and teenage boys in particular do a fair number of stupid, rude, and inappropriate things, and doubly so when drunk, horny, and in the presence of the opposite sex.” That perfectly describes why Judge Kavanaugh would take his penis out at a party and shove it in a girl’s face, and it also perfectly summarizes why I made Billy and Chris’s car crash with my mind, sending them hurtling to their deaths.

The simple fact is what we do as teenagers does not count, whether it be sexual harassment or paranormal mass murder. That is how I have felt for years ever since I dug myself out of my grave and moved to Montecito, California, where I am the proud operator of an organic beet juice company. It’s just nice to know that the GOP agrees with me.

Sure critics will say that, for the victims, the impact of such behaviour can last for decades. According to Dr. Ford and Ms. Ramirez, what Dr. Kavanaugh did to them has severely impacted their entire life. That may also be true for my fellow seniors from Bates Highschool, at least the ones who didn’t get stomped to death during the stampede for the exits. But I can’t be sure. We don’t keep in touch.

At the end of the day people just need to get over it. Everybody does this kind of thing. I mean if we were to disqualify from higher office anyone who had been a little sexually aggressive or who used a school fire hose and a microphone to electrocute her principal, then who would be left?

So please tell your Senator you support Judge Kavanaugh. And even more importantly, buy my beet juice.

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