Elf to step down from shelf after allegations of inappropriate behaviour
The Living Room – Beloved children’s character Elf on the Shelf will be stepping down from his duties immediately amid allegations of ‘inappropriate behaviour’. Though the action is apparen…
Trudeau gives Health Canada list of mandatory words including: “transgender,” “diversity,” “evidence-based”
OTTAWA – The Trudeau government has sent a memorandum to Health Canada insisting on a list of seven words that must be included in their upcoming budget, including: “entitlement,” “transgen…
Parents lining up to place children on lap of strange man wearing disguise
SURREY, BC – In what onlookers can only describe as a strange violation of everyday norms, parents from all over the community are waiting in line for up to half-an-hour in order to place t…
First white man to perform manual labour on CPR drives in last spike
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. November 7th, 1885 EAGLE, BC — The Honourable D.A. Smith has made history …
Incredible! This dolphin learned our language to warn us about sharks
Will dolphins ever stop surprising us with their smarts? A dolphin has appeared just off the coast of BC with an impressive knowledge of the English language, which he used to desperately alert u…
Our travel expert asks the question no one else dares to…
We sent our favourite chef turned reporter to investigate cultural appropriation in the restaurant industry.…
”I’m living my best life,” says woman using hand cream on face
LONDON, ON – Local life coach, Evelyn Bell, 34, has proclaimed she is currently living her best life, no matter what others might think, even as she squeezes the last out of tube of hand cr…
Trump moves American embassy to Jerusalem as Christmas gift to “the jews”
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Sexual predator unable to handle being told no
ALABAMA — Failed Republican senate candidate and noted predator of underage girls Roy Moore has announced plans to “stay on brand” and refuse to concede defeat. “This election is barely 14 …
Hallmark Channel pivots to all Goth Christmas programming
STUDIO CITY, CA – Announcing a major shift in tone, the Hallmark Channel is set to launch a new slate of all Goth Christmas programming for festive Goths. “Our audience was tired of watchin…