OTTAWA – Once considered a staple of North American culture, the hooded white robe is fading away into obscurity and many are wondering whether millennials are to blame. Financial investment trends have reported a steady decline in the sale of hooded white robes since 1998 with the 2018 market accounting for only 12% as many sales of the accessory when compared to previous generations.
“It’s a real tragedy, a lot of good, hardworking, men, are living through hard times right now because millennials won’t get off their lazy ass and buy a hooded white robe,” states Dean Ordam, a local tiki torch manufacturer. “Millennials never want a personal connection, anymore. Everything is online memes and no one wants to dress up in white hoods and go out to yell at those we ignorantly hate anymore. Where’s the community in that? It was a bonding experience that brought people together. But that’s typical selfish millennials ain’t it? Always looking to push others away.”
Many expect that millennials aren’t investing in hooded white robes due to spending all their money on iPhones, avocado toast, and other luxuries that are new to this generation, such as being able to watch athletes of colour play in the major leagues.
“The problem with millennials is they all want participation trophies,” says Emma Dulair, an activist for getting the Confederate flag into schools. “We don’t ask for much from them, just that they see our way of life, copy it exactly, and then tell us how great it is and that they appreciate us. That’s all we want. I mean come on, millennials are even being racist wrong. They need to learn from the best!”
While previous generations used to be able to hide their identity behind the hooded white robes, the ability to now find cowardly anonymity behind a computer screen has been a large cause of the declining sales. However, although hooded white robes continues to plummet, a brief spike in red print baseball caps caused some hope for spiteful clothing manufacturers, yet forecasting trends suggest a similar downwards slope of the accessory may be all but imminent.