OTTAWA – Following a clean sweep of last night’s 3 by-elections, Prime Minister Mark Carney immediately declared that his Liberal party would also pick up 3 additional seats in this Novembers U.S. midterm elections.
“Beaches-East York! North Vancouver-Capilano! And even… Chicoutimi-Le Fjord! They said my Liberals couldn’t pull it off, and to that I said ‘Just watch me’!” boasted an uncharacteristically wild-eyed Carney, grabbing the microphone onstage at a Liberal victory party.
“Next, we’re setting our sights on three more so-called ‘un-winnable’ seats! I’m coming for you, Massachusetts 2nd congressional district!” Carney added, pointing to a map of various 2026 U.S. midterm races he had printed off at home.
“Next, my Liberals are gonna head to the flyover states to pick up Nebraska’s 2nd – too bad, five-term congressman Don Bacon,” Carney taunted, while shooting imaginary 3-pointers from behind the lectern.
“Then finally, they all say it can’t be done – namely because it’s a different country entirely – but Magical Mark Carney is gonna reach deep into Trump Country and flip Alabama’s 4th, a GOP stronghold since 1997!” Carney roared to a nervously enthusiastic crowd. “But that’s the thing about Republican Red… I say them’s just Liberal colours, baybay!”
PMO aides report Carney feeling “unusually empowered” following the three by-election victories, as well as the three previous by-election wins in April which secured the Liberals a majority government. “The Prime Minister has been pretty confident lately, wearing his charcoal black socks, doing his spreadsheets in bold,” notes one aide. “But this latest burst of maniacal bravado focused on the U.S. midterms is… unsettling.”
Back at the victory party, Carney interrupted his 5th consecutive request of Down With Webster to again address the crowd.
“The orange baboon thinks his tariffs can tank MY economy?? I’m an econo-MIST, motherfucker!” Carney shouted, as the crowd thinned out. “I’m growing our economy at its fastest pace since 2004, and I avoided a technical recession! Meanwhile you’re giving everyone diarrhea lettuce and building a ballroom bunker for your last days!”
“Carney’s coming for your seats, Trump! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!”
