LOS ANGELES – In a group chat with a long list of like-minded famous acquaintances, multi-platinum recording artist John Legend assured his fellow celebrities that they could not be faulted or j...
Hypebeasts disappointed to discover Supreme gas not a petroleum collab
TORONTO – Hypebeasts around the world found themselves disappointed after the new revelation that Supreme gas is not actually a petroleum collab as they had thought all this time. It was commonl...
Nation’s hamsters shockingly indifferent to global pandemic
OTTAWA – In a surprising display that no one could have predicted, pet hamsters across Canada have shown an incredible lack of interest in the COVID-19 pandemic. Despite Prime Minister Justin Tr...
Zoom divorce proceeding concludes with somber finger guns
VANCOUVER – After a series of emotionally devastating negotiations, John and Claire Timmons ended their divorce proceeding via Zoom with a pair of cheerless, gloomy finger guns. “Zoom was pretty...
FDA eases restrictions on gay blood donors unless they’re hot
SILVER SPRING, MD – In the face of an urgent need for blood donations, the Food and Drug Administration has revised its blood donor guidelines to allow gay men to donate so long as they aren’t h...
Local jerkwad only on day 3 of quarantine
GUELPH, ON – Early this morning local fool Hansen Lund posted an obnoxiously long Instagram story detailing his third day of quarantine, much to the horror and displeasure of his followers. “I’v...
Corporations disappointed they won’t be able to commodify queer culture this year
TORONTO – In an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, Toronto Pride has been cancelled and corporations are scrambling to figure out how they can best commodify queer culture this year. “Pride ...
Alberta suspends environmental reporting rules to prevent spread of information
EDMONTON – The government of Alberta has used its emergency powers to suspend regulations that require the oil and gas industry to report the effects of their activities on the environment (incl...
Pet cats wondering when the fuck you’re going back to work
OTTAWA, ON – Pet cats across the country are reporting curiosity as to when the shit you are going back to your job every day. “I’ve been more than accommodating,” said Tigger, an asian semi-lon...
Local woman joins dating apps in hopes of having pandemic love story
GRIMSBY, ONT – In the midst of the worst global pandemic in recent history, 27-year-old Laura Wallsh has joined multiple dating apps in hopes of swiping right on the greatest love story of her l...
