OTTAWA – Amid widescale reports of hoarding and empty store shelves, the Federal Government has mandated that all grocery store customers can only purchase as much food as they can store in their chee...
Chris Hadfield really milking this “I’ve been to space” thing
TORONTO — Former astronaut and current public figure Chris Hadfield has once again found a way to shoehorn the fact that he spent 166 days outside of the Earth’s atmosphere into the public...
Man accused of sexual assault to win 2020 presidency
WASHINGTON DC – Following today’s announcement from Bernie Sanders’ campaign that the Vermont senator will no longer be seeking the Democratic nomination, the path has been cleared for a m...
Local man damned if he’s going to let self isolation motivate him to exercise
VANCOUVER — Local sales manager Brett Thomas has stated in no uncertain terms that he’s damned if he’s going to let his self isolation and time away from work motivate him to exercise. “I understand t...
“We promise this article has nothing to do with COVID-19” by the Beaverton editorial board
To our devoted readers, hello, bonjour. We, at the Beaverton, can’t decide what’s worse: being inundated daily by negative news or instagram live notifications. Trust us – we are just as tired o...
Conservative Party submits Doug Ford for tests, fearing he may have contracted socialism
Toronto, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has been submitted for extensive testing today after Conservative Party Executives expressed that he was beginning to exhibit symptoms of socialism. Premi...
I know Tiger King was messed up, but I’m going to be the right sort of tiger owner
By: Dave Croft I think the documentary Tiger King, by focusing on people like Doc Antle, Joe Exotic and Carole Baskin, has skewed the public’s perception of tiger owners. Most of us are hard wor...
Local woman claims daily routine of panic, anguish, and despair really helps to centre her
EDMONTON – Recently laid-off Natalie Ramires has been evangelizing about the benefits of a fixed daily schedule built upon panic, anguish and despair during self-isolation. “I live alone, so it...
Trudeau airs a coronavirus update rerun, to see if anyone notices
OTTAWA – After several weeks of daily broadcast addresses on the government’s coronavirus response, Prime Minister Trudeau today decided to re-air a previous clip to see if Canadians would notic...
“Thank god for service workers” says man who will oppose minimum wage hike in 9 months
Oshawa, ON – Local man Keith Spahr is adding his voice to the millions of Canadians currently expressing gratitude at the people who are allowing us to buy groceries and other essential items du...
