SILVER SPRING, MD – In the face of an urgent need for blood donations, the Food and Drug Administration has revised its blood donor guidelines to allow gay men to donate so long as they aren’t hot or fun.
This update brings the American rules in line with the current Canadian restrictions, which also limit any blood donations from gay men who are known to be fierce.
“We find ourselves in the midst of an unprecedented public health crisis,” said FDA spokesperson Gustavo Fuentes, “which is why we are now open to accepting blood donations from any gay men who are boring, basic or have less than 10k followers on Instagram. We believe that this rule change will broaden the number of candidates for donations while also keeping the general population safe from any gay blood that is too sexy.”
While gay and bisexual men have been banned from any type of blood donations for decades, in 2015 the FDA began to allow gay men to donate blood so long as the man in question was an absolute unfuckable nightmare. Many therefore see this recent announcement as a significant shift toward acceptance.
Some LGBTQ+ activists however do not feel that this rule change goes far enough. “This is a decision that is rooted firmly in the past and is not backed up by science,” stated Reece Williams, the leader of the group Tens for Justice. “My partner and I are both safe, healthy individuals who are certified Fire Island trade and yet we are being denied the opportunity to do our part simply because we are what? Sickening!” Williams went on to add “Just because the medical establishment is intimidated by my sharp jawline does not give them the right to discriminate against me,” while doing his tenth set of squats.
Recent studies have shown that gay and bisexual men are up to 70% more likely to be hot than the general population. While self-isolation measures currently in place are leading many gay men to become significantly less hot than they were at the start of the COVID-19 crisis, Fuentes admits that “unless any zaddies wishing to donate were already backsliding for some time, they will have to remain in isolation for roughly another two and a half months before they will be busted enough to qualify.”
Representatives for Canadian Blood Services have announced that in response to the rule change by their American counterpart, they can probably get away with waiting a few more years before doing anything about their own outdated policies.