VANCOUVER – Vancouver Coastal Health and Fraser Health have issued a joint public health advisory today urging British Columbians to avoid staying inside due to extreme heat, and also to av…
Glove model gets hand job
NEW YORK – Glove model Anton Kamilnik announced this morning with much excitement that he had finally received a hand job. “With the kind of proximity that they require,” said Kamilnik, “in…
Straw man is idiot
By conservative voice of reason Dan Stapleton There’s a lot of pearl clutching by the ultra-liberal left about my supposedly controversial opinions, but it only takes a little bit of fact checkin…
British Columbia claims it was just holding smoke for a friend
VANCOUVER – When confronted by Canadian authorities this morning regarding reports that it had been seen smoking in massive quantities throughout the week, British Columbia sheepishly mumbl…
Avatar 2 delayed until after Avatar 3
LOS ANGELES – Director James Cameron has announced today that Avatar 2, the long-gestating sequel to his 2009 magnum opus, has been delayed by COVID-19 restrictions, and will not be coming …
Celebrity reassures other celebrities that it’s okay to be totally fine right now
LOS ANGELES – In a group chat with a long list of like-minded famous acquaintances, multi-platinum recording artist John Legend assured his fellow celebrities that they could not be faulted…
Biden within hair-sniffing distance of Democratic nomination
WASHINGTON – After being declared the winner of the final Democratic debate by several publications and continuing to lead in the primary delegate count, Joe Biden is now within hair-sniffi…
Introspective carpenter finds her shelf
KELOWNA, BC – Local carpenter Marybeth Dinh, 35, who left her accounting job in Vancouver to escape from the rat race into the picturesque BC interior, announced to friends and family via e…
Inspiring: Jennifer Aniston on turning 50, ghastly aging painting in attic
LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Aniston, radiant as ever at fifty, revealed that the secret to her perfect, wrinkle-free skin is a regular exfoliation routine, a daily meditation practice, and a gho…