OTTAWA, ON – Pet cats across the country are reporting curiosity as to when the shit you are going back to your job every day.
“I’ve been more than accommodating,” said Tigger, an asian semi-longhair cat living in the annex. “My human has been allowed to scratch me for almost fifteen minutes collectively over the last 10 days and I am at my limit. But I demand my usual alone time.”
Tigger added, “I have shed my fur absolutely everywhere, isn’t it obvious I own all of this?”
Pet cats across the country have attempted many different techniques in order to passive-aggressively get their humans to leave the home, including: chasing nothing at 3 am in the morning; not allowing humans to pass by them without attacking; and puking completely unprovoked.
“I am as charitable as the next cat,” said Rumpleteazer, a Norwegian forest cat living in the Danforth. “But I’ve worked hard at cat things so that I can have my own living space and work from home. Now she gets to as well?”
“Emily better get her shit together and get a job, or whatever it is she normally does all day,” Rumpleteazer concluded.
Several cats have banded together to lobby the Canadian government to get involved in reinstating their usual free reign of their various households. However, government officials report not receiving any communications, as cats can’t use email or refuse to speak any human language.
“I really hoped it wouldn’t resort to this,” said Princess, a Turkish angora cat from Thornhill, baring her claws and pouncing on her owner Zack Mowat’s neck. Zack caught Princess, then smiling and holding her like a baby exclaimed “Oh, someone wants some attention huh? Who’s a pretty girl?”
In a related story, pet dogs across the nation report requiring even more attention, and are pretty sure you don’t actually need to sleep.