GUELPH, ON – Early this morning local fool Hansen Lund posted an obnoxiously long Instagram story detailing his third day of quarantine, much to the horror and displeasure of his followers.
“I’ve been cooped up in my apartment for the past two weeks so it blows my mind that he says he’s only been self-isolating for the past three days,” sputtered tentative friend Katie Asadi, a data analyst working from home. “That’s just a long weekend, my dude.”
The 22 year old oaf does not work in healthcare, nor any other essential service field necessitating him leaving his apartment, yet Lund only began social distancing this past Wednesday after realizing that “this corona stuff is like serious serious” and “nothing good is open anymore.”
“You guys, these past two days have been brutal, but I’m hopeful that day three will be better,” the asswipe whined to his social media followers. “I got tons of groceries but I finished my unsalted pretzels, so I might need to pop out to grab some soon. Again, so brutal.”
The young sociopath has been spotted lingering in stores, working out at the gym, on public transit, gathering in dense parks, visiting friends, and generally romping around publicly with abandon.
“I am kinda ticked off that it took him so long to realize that what he was doing was dangerous,” sighed Maria Lund, sister to the cretin. “God, I hate him and now he keeps trying to call me on Zoom. But him staying in now is still better than nothing.”
The little twit has been posting to Instagram Live every night so far delivering pep-talks to his followers reminding them to “stay positive and that this thing will blow over in like a week, tops.”