Listen up, Canadian patriots: the day you’ve been waiting for has finally come. That’s right, Justin Trudeau, the guy you’ve been threatening to fuck for the last several years …
Trudeau unveils new campaign slogan: “I Got Jordan Peterson to Leave”
OTTAWA — After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government’s allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Tr…
Report: Juan Soto in talks with Ohtani about best way to get Canadians’ hopes up before crushing their dreams
TORONTO – As rumours and speculation fly around whether or not the Blue Jays will acquire free agent and four-time All-Star Juan Soto, Soto was recently spotted talking to Shohei Ohtani abo…
“I can’t believe anyone would vote for Trump,” says smug Canadian man planning to vote for Poilievre
OTTAWA – A smug man from Canada wasted no time this morning chastising Americans for re-electing terrifying liar and felon Donald Trump, despite the fact that he plans to vote for terrifyin…
UNPRECEDENTED: Aging boomer retires to free up job for someone younger
WASHINGTON DC — In a move that has shocked employees around the world, Joe Biden announced today that he would be stepping out of the presidential race, making it the first time in recorded histo…
Elon Musk assures users that hiding “likes” on X has nothing to do with the weird porn he likes, only election interference
SAN FRANCISCO – After X, formerly Twitter, announced yesterday that “likes” would now be privatized and hidden, owner Elon Musk assured users that the move had nothing to do with all the fr…
Doug Ford denounces university encampments after mistaking tents for affordable housing
QUEEN’S PARK – During a press conference at the Ontario Legislature, Doug Ford made it clear that pro-Palestine encampments in universities across the province were unacceptable and s…
“Enough is enough:” Loblaws CEO commands all employees to hunt down, kill anyone participating in boycott
BRAMPTON, ON — In the wake of Canadians calling for a month-long boycott of all Loblaws stores, combined with the threat of an alleged impending “Steal From Loblaws Day,” fed up Loblaws CEO Per B…
Canadian universities defend banning pro-Palestinian encampments: “We want our students to study genocide, not actually do anything about it”
OTTAWA – As university students from Montreal, Toronto, and Ottawa begin protesting the genocide in Palestine with demonstrations and encampments, officials from their schools have released…
Poilievre meets with far-right east coast extremists to workshop summer conspiracies
NOVA SCOTIA/NEW BRUNSWICK BORDER – Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has met with far-right extremists camped out on the border between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick, for the purpose of …