ONTARIO- Despite the Ontario government now permitting social gatherings of up to ten people, many in the suburbs are requesting the number be increased in order to enable worthwhile orgies. “You can’...
Quarantined fuckboi texts “U up?” endlessly into the void
TORONTO – Since Coronavirus hit, local fuckboi Harold Borowitz, better known by self-proclaimed nickname “DJ Quicksand XII”, has reportedly sent so many unanswered “U up?” texts that...
Aspiring writer makes it to screenwriting competition finals with 19,000 others
Fort McMurray, AB – Gallons of Dom Perignon were smashed with wanton destruction upon many a hypothetical yacht hull when local self-described ‘Jack Carowak’ Roger Pithy announced he had progres...
After careful deliberation, local man ready to deliver opinion no one asked for on Black Lives Matter movement
Morden, MB – Local man Henry Gittner has finally answered the non-existent calls for him to provide his opinion on the Black Lives Matter movement and police brutality by writing a lengthy faceb...
Government urges Canadians worried about maxing out CERB payments to become police officers, get suspended with pay
OTTAWA — With Canada Emergency Response Benefit (CERB) payments set to end for many Canadians, the government is encouraging anyone with financial concerns to get hired as a police officer, engage in ...
Woman raw-dogging horseradish insists this is the new normal
News in photos....
Maple Leaf Foods unveils new burger that’s 99% plant protein, 1% giant panda
Mississauga, ON – After successfully launching the 50/50 burger, a patty that is 50% animal protein and 50% plants, Maple Leaf Foods has unveiled their new creation: the 99, a burger that is 99%...
Nation’s grandmas ready to bust through the glass and kiss some fucking grandkids
CANADA – The country’s Grandma’s, Bubbies, Oma’s, Nai Nai’s, Abuela’s and Nonna’s are collectively sick of these COVID-19 ‘through the glass visits’ preventing them from kissing their fucking gr...
Local man exhausted after spending whole day accomplishing nothing
CAMPBELLTON, NB – When Local man Jared Thursby’s head hit the pillow last night, it was with the weary satisfaction of a day well spent accomplishing absolutely nothing. Thursby, recently laid o...
Children forced to sit through online church service can’t even fantasize about going home
THE LIVING ROOM – As the Dobson family sits through a Zoom stream of their weekly church service, children Max, Ashley, and Timothy report being robbed of even their usual fantasy of finishing c...
