Page 400 – The Beaverton

Disgusting: This woman says she misses brunch

Okay, this is going to be a tough read, so make sure you’re sitting down. Reports have confirmed that Toronto woman Katie Flenderson, who some are calling the absolute worst human being on the face of...

Band-Aid company offers band-aid solution

SKILLMAN, NJ – Band-Aid brand adhesive bandages announced recently that their new range of bandages in various shades of Brown and Black skin tones are expected to offer not much help while simp...

Health Canada orders all people to wear full-body costumes from the Masked Singer when out in public

OTTAWA – In the midst of many provinces reopening parts of their cities during the COVID-19 pandemic, federal health officials have mandated that anyone attending a public business must wear an elabor...

Ontario eases social distancing restrictions from “moderately” to “completely” confusing

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford announced this week that in order to calm public uncertainty about what Ontarians are supposed to be doing to keep themselves safe during the COVID-19 pandemic, the provinc...

Alberta government encourages tire burning to make up for lost carbon emissions during pandemic

EDMONTON – The provincial government of Alberta is calling on residents to burn tires and other materials in an effort to make up for the lack of carbon emissions and environmental devastation d...

Trudeau dangles suspected fraudster over balcony, demanding to know where his CERB money is

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is currently dangling local waiter Oliver Henderson over an apartment balcony, demanding repayment of all CERB funds paid to him. “You knew you were inelig...

OP-ED: “We must throw money at the police until they are too buried in money to continue with their racist malarkey” by Joe Biden

From the moment I launched my campaign, I have said that we are in the battle for the soul of this nation. A battle that could last a generation, requiring sacrifices and introspection. But I have a d...