TORONTO – As Opening Day approaches, Toronto Blue Jays fans are outraged that Rogers will no longer be offering a distinct Blue Jays radio broadcast and will instead be replacing it with a …
Which vax tracks and which ones are hacks? Our intern tries ALL the new Covid vaccines!
Hey there! Beaverton intern Alex Barnes here! Thanks to the Beaverton, I recently got the chance to try ALL the hot new COVID-19 vaccines in one WILD afternoon (don’t try this at home, y’al…
Local husband gives wife traditional present ‘something she randomly mentioned the day before’
SWIFT CURRENT, SK – Brian Warriner, husband to Glenda Warriner for fourteen years, continued his yearly tradition of remembering his wife’s birthday, listening to her as she mentioned somet…
Sleepy man just going to lie down on this couch, and whatever happens, happens
GIMLI, MB – After suffering from intense fatigue all morning, local man Gerald Hines has elected to stop trying to control the future and lie down on his couch in the middle of the day. “Th…
Precocious orphan affects English accent in desperate bid for “s’more”
LONDON, ON – Having pursued multiple avenues to acquire additional portions of food, local orphan Gordon Durnin has adopted an English accent in an audacious attempt to get “s’more.” “S’mor…
Trudeau announces stars of Schitt’s Creek can now commit any crime without penalty
OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has declared that, due to their incredible international success, Daniel and Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara and Annie Murphy, are no longer bo…
Amazon responds to The Queen’s Gambit by ordering limited series about Jenga prodigy
CULVER CITY – In the wake of the worldwide success of the Netflix limited series The Queen’s Gambit, about the rise of fictional chess genius Beth Harmon, Amazon Studios has placed an order…
Local child living in sewers feels misled by Ninja Turtles
WINNIPEG – Former elementary school student Rowan Bird has been living in the sewers for several months, and feels that the popular franchise Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has deceived him a…
‘So far so good’ reports baby carrying around Ming Dynasty vase
CANMORE, AB- Oliver Jorgensen, a 14-month old baby who just learned to walk, has let everyone know that things are going very well in his attempt to carry around a priceless Ming Dynasty vase wit…
Local man’s Donald Trump-Apocalypse Now analogy falls apart instantly
CHATHAM – Over a zoom cocktail hour with friends, local dentist Doug Nairn tried to make a complicated analogy comparing the end of the Trump Administration to the plot of the Francis Ford …