NEW YORK CITY – At a special meeting of the full United Nations, the countries of the world came together and resolved to buy America a “pretty cool gift” if it chooses not to re-ele...
Gamers living in late-capitalist dystopia outraged they have to wait another 3 weeks to play Cyberpunk 2077
NEW YORK – Gamers the world over currently living in a late-capitalist system run by a few megacorporations who control vast swathes of personal data while using technology to increase the gulf ...
People are looking at your LinkedIn profile, and boy are they horrified!
Good news! Your career is about to go in a bold new direction, because thanks to the new changes you made to your LinkedIn profile, 4 people looked at it! Bad news, they do NOT like it and are not goi...
Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter
WHITEHORSE – The people of Yukon refused to turn their clocks back an hour today in clear defiance of the goddess Demeter. This has sparked concern from the priests and priestesses in charge of ...
Fans across globe salute Sean Connery’s passing with terrible, terrible impressions
WORLDWIDE — All around the world, fans of Sean Connery are observing his passing with just the absolute worst impressions of the revered film icon. “Thish ish indeed a shad day for oll ush Shhea...
Manitoba government responds to packed ICUs with 100 new #RestartMB ads
WINNIPEG – Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister is swiftly responding to the surge of COVID-19 cases in the province with 100 new, state-of-the-art billboards and radio advertisements encouraging ci...
Canadian vampires can’t agree if blood should come in bags, jugs, or cartons
CALGARY – Canada’s vampire community is once again embroiled in the age-old question of whether it’s more Canadian to drink blood from a bag, a jug, or a carton. “I think it all comes down to wh...
Local man who always cobbles together Halloween costume last minute grateful he only has to do top half this year
EDMONTON — As Halloween draws near, local masters student Paul McBride is grateful that, unlike previous years, COVID-19 restrictions mean he only has to furiously cobble together the top half of a la...
Chef Boyardee rebrands to “Depression Chow”
MILTON, PA – The popular meal-adjacent product Chef Boyardee has announced its plan to simply rebrand to “Depression Chow.” Marketing director Joshua Alden explained that the change coincides wi...
Doug Ford vows to find budget cut that will stop COVID
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced on Monday that he will stem the rising number of COVID cases by implementing a strategy that has always worked for his administration in the past; d...
