WORLDWIDE — All around the world, fans of Sean Connery are observing his passing with just the absolute worst impressions of the revered film icon.
“Thish ish indeed a shad day for oll ush Shhean Connery fansh,” mumbled longtime James Bond fan Elton Smith, of Winnipeg. The 45-year-old father of three continued, with tears in his eyes, to eulogize his favourite James Bond actor in a voice that sounded almost nothing like the late Scottish actor.
He went on to quote one of Connery’s most iconic James Bond scenes, still with the most brutal impression, “Do you exshpect me to talk…” before dropping character (but still maintaining the wildly inaccurate voice), and tearfully adding, “To tell the truth, I don’t think any us ush every really exshpected him to die.”
Across continents, the almost-exclusively middle aged and male fans of Connery continued to remember the star with impressions that ranged from “vaguely Scottish man with a mouthful of mashed potatoes,” to “Bane from the Dark Knight Rises misremembering quotes from Thunderball”.
The 90-year-old actor, who passed peacefully in his sleep, is remembered for many films, including Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, The Untouchables, The Hunt For Red October, as well as for his distinctive Scottish brogue which not a single fan seems to be able to imitate with any kind of accuracy.
“Not muny people shaw him in Hitschcosh’s Marnie, but it wush a shubtle dramatic performansh,” said Jeff Sherway, Connery fan and retired grandfather, as he absolutely butchered both Connery’s vocal patterns and mannerisms. “While he shertainly had problemahtic viewsh on women, I’ll alwaysh remembar him for hish heroic onshcreen exshploitsh.”
“Sorry, that was ‘his heroic onscreen exploits’,” added Sherway for the benefit of note-taking.
At presstime fans had moved on from quoting Connery’s films to quoting things said by SNL cast member Darryl Hammond while playing Connery in Celebrity Jeopardy sketches.