CALGARY – Canada’s vampire community is once again embroiled in the age-old question of whether it’s more Canadian to drink blood from a bag, a jug, or a carton.
“I think it all comes down to where you come from and what you’re used to,” says Gothika Le Rue, a 30-year-old vampire who lives in Calgary. “I always buy my blood in a carton, because I like the smaller container and it seems more quaint. Plus, it’s probably all in my head, but I feel like blood just tastes better coming out of a carton.”
“No, no, no,” argues Phester St. Germaine, a vampire in Toronto who was turned 60 years ago and has very strong feelings on the subject. “Blood should come in bags. That’s just how it is. I can’t tell you how strange it is to visit another vampire’s lair and see he keeps his blood in a jug. A jug! That’s so weird!”
Roughly half of Canadian vampires drink their blood out of bags but the practice is still seen as unusual in some parts of the country, likely owing to the fact that most vampire media depicts blood as coming out of cartons, plastic jugs, or supple young victims.
“I get my blood in jugs now, but I miss when blood came in glass bottles,” says Mort Blacque, a centenarian bloodsucker from Vancouver. “The bloodman would deliver it fresh, right to your door. It’s funny, how the old ways often come back. Just yesterday I used an app on my phone to have two jugs of blood delivered to my crypt! Just like old times!”
“The delivery driver tasted terrible, though. People today are so full of microplastics. Yuck.”
While the bag vs. jug vs. carton debate continues to rage, a small but increasing number of environmentalist vampires are petitioning the Canadian government to ban hard-to-recycle blood bags, jugs and cartons altogether and to begin storing the Canadian blood supply in easily recycled pop-top aluminum cans.