People are looking at your LinkedIn profile, and boy are they horrified! - The Beaverton

People are looking at your LinkedIn profile, and boy are they horrified!

Good news! Your career is about to go in a bold new direction, because thanks to the new changes you made to your LinkedIn profile, 4 people looked at it! Bad news, they do NOT like it and are not going to hire you for the positions of Law Student in Australia, Grocery Clerk or Communications guru.

That’s right, 4 people looked at your LinkedIn profile, but we can only tell you who three of them are because the other one is a secret! It’s probably someone from that company you want to work for! Definitely not a pervert!

You are getting noticed! And your work and accomplishments are being recognized! It was probably because you sent Alex a message in 2007 congratulating him on his work anniversary! When he responded “What is this?” that was a sign that you were excelling at one of the most essential skills in building a career – online networking.

There is hope for your profile though – people who looked at your profile also looked at the profile of Carly Bergden, a marketing manager at Voortman Bakery, a company that is nowhere near your field of work, but that just means the range of your network is off the charts.

Whoa! Hold on! Your name came up in a job search 2 times last month! People are looking to give you money for your skills! But unfortunately, when Shawn B and The Government of Japan saw your profile come up they both said aloud “No thank you” closed their laptops, and threw those laptops out the window into a burning trash can.

Luckily, we can turn this around if you join LinkedIn Premium for just $100 per month. With LinkedIn Premium, not only will we let you know which members of your high school graduating class you are making more money than, if any, we will also reveal the creepy weirdos who were secretly lurking around your LinkedIn Profile! With Premium, you still won’t have a job, but at least there will be no secrets between us.

Finally, don’t forget to update your profile by adding your Twitter handle, so potential employers will be able to see the real you! The real you being a sexist racist pervert with a complete indifference to typos.