INDIANAPOLIS, IN – The cancellation of college basketball’s March Madness tournament due to the COVID-19 crisis has left the NCAA scrambling to find new ways to exploit their 500,000 studen…
Airlines announce jet demolition derby to make up lost revenue
TORONTO – In the face of mounting losses, plummeting stock prices, idle jets and the suspension of major spectator sports a number of airlines have announced they will hold jet demolition d…
Dogs cleared by WHO to resume eating single piece of spaghetti until they kiss
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – After months of uncertainty about their susceptibility to COVID-19, the World Health Organization announced that dogs could resume eating a single piece of spaghetti u…
Teen files lawsuit against Juul after seeing everyone looking cool as hell doing it
REGINA, SK – A local teen has filed a lawsuit against the popular vaping company Juul after seeing how cool his peers looked filing their own. “I was late to vaping in the first place,” sai…
Scientists glimpse beyond Beyond Meat, immediately driven insane by forbidden flavours
VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia were found yammering incoherently after piercing the scientific veil and briefly seeing what lies beyond Beyond Meat. The scien…
Boeing unveils new jet that looks suspiciously like two 737 MAX 8s in an overcoat
SEATTLE, WA – Boeing unveiled a new aircraft today that some analysts are concerned is actually just two 737 MAX 8s in an overcoat. The embattled manufacturer has been under mounting pressu…
Anti-citrus parents believe “a touch of scurvy” leads to better outcomes in child pirates
SPANISH MAIN – Believing that a bout of scurvy during childhood can lead to a young swashbuckler who is stout of heart and strong of arm, some parents are aggressively touting the benefits …
Google admits to installing a phone into its latest personal information gathering device
Mountain View, CA – Google revealed in a press conference today that it has installed a telephone into its latest device for collecting personal information. The conglomerate denies any wro…
Vacationing couple disappointed to drive over Golden Gate bridge without getting hit by tidal wave, giant monster, space laser
SAN FRANCISCO – A couple from Vancouver were shocked after driving over the famous Golden Gate Bridge without being annihilated by a natural or supernatural disaster It had been an ordinary…
New privacy rules will require companies to store secret data in the deep ocean of a woman’s heart
OTTAWA – New privacy legislation going into effect this week will require companies to take steps to protect user data by storing it in the endless expanse of a woman’s heart. Recent …