Jason Kenney: My racist speechwriter doesn’t speak for me, merely writes the words I speak
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney wants everyone to know that the fact that Paul Bunner, the man who writes his speeches, has written anti-Indigenous content in the recent past has n…
Dixie Cups quietly changes name to Cups
DALLAS, TEXAS – In response to the recent wave of civil rights protests against police brutality and white supremacy erupting throughout North America, iconic paper product company Dixie Cu…
Progressive! Crayola finally acknowledges the white crayon is useless
NEW YORK, NY- In wake of the worldwide outcry for increased equality, handicraft company Crayola has released a long-awaited statement admitting that white crayons have no real function and shoul…
Study: You’re not a Slytherin, you’re an asshole
Cambridge, MA – A recent study by the Harvard school of Witchcraft and Wizardry has revealed that being a Slytherin does not pardon you from being an asshole. “The purpose of the study was …
Frustrated browser refuses to show you any more internet until you close some tabs
YOUR DESKTOP – Following several years of putting up with your untidy web habits, your browser is putting its electronic foot down and is denying you any more internet until you deal with a…
Freethinker! This woman found a way to criticize Trump that didn’t involve celebrating a war criminal
Genius Mode Activated! Local woman Marla Bach has written a whole facebook post criticizing Donald Trump without ever once praising George W. Bush, a man who should definitely be sent to prison f…
Health officials recall masks after reports that they are a little uncomfortable and look weird
OTTAWA – Canadian health officials have recalled millions of masks after people reported that wearing them makes them feel kinda weird. “Never in the history of public health have we made s…
Trump Hotels to change name after revelation founder had history of racism
NEW YORK CITY – Trump Hotels, a luxury line of hotel accommodations across the United States, has announced that they will be immediately rebranding after stunning revelations that the chain is n…
Torontonians celebrate stage 2 of reopening by continuing to do all the things they weren’t supposed to do before
TORONTO – As Toronto moves cautiously into Phase 2 of reopening in the wake of the deadly COVID-19 Pandemic, people across the GTA celebrated by still doing all the stuff they weren’t suppo…
RE/MAX blows entire operating budget on hot air balloons for 42nd year in a row
DENVER, CO – A group of clearly distraught RE/MAX officials addressed a room full of reporters today to announce that, for the 42nd year in a row, the real estate company has blown their en…
