AMERICA – According to multiple reports from Fox News viewers around the United States, Hunter Biden has been creeping around the bushes of several American households, and in some cases going so far as to leeringly peer into the windows.
“I heard some rustling outside in the commercial break between Tucker Carlson Tonight and Hannity,” said Jane Hanover of Columbus, Ohio. “And when I looked outside, there he was, Biden junior himself, with that creepy money-laundering look in his eyes.”
Hunter Biden, the son of presidential candidate Joe Biden, has been the subject of much interest on Fox News recently, and is suspected of crimes ranging from being the long lost connection between pizzagate and the Kennedy assassinations to dropping off a laptop filled with emails to a repair shop.
“He is a monster,” explained Dan Raulston of Carson City, Nevada. “So it didn’t surprise me at all that, when I noticed a monster in my bushes, and I took a closer look, I discovered that it was probably Hunter Biden, the guy who made them release the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League”
The Biden family has denied that Hunter has embarked on a cross-country bush-creeping mission to emotionally disturb every Fox News viewer, but according to Laura Ingraham, the Biden family’s denials only cement the case against Hunter as a lurker.
“Why would the Bidens deny there is a skulking peeping tom in their family if it wasn’t true?” said Ingraham on her show, The Ingraham Angle. “Seems pretty convenient to me that Hunter Biden was not at his house from 8pm to 9pm last night, when 847,000 people across the country spotted him in a tree by their house, holding binoculars.”
Coincidentally, Donald Trump Junior released a statement yesterday, saying that “If anyone saw me in any bushes recently, I was only looking for elephants to hunt. Elephants with known ties to Ukrainian Energy companies. Who are also pedophiles.”