TORONTO – Local sicko Hugh Savarian, who’s been carefully sliding razor blades into candy for trick or treaters for the past 37 years of his life, has reported feelings of aimlessness and a lost sense of purpose this October.
“You spend the whole month buying up full sized chocolate bars, candy big enough to fit a deadly blade in to kill random children for half your life, and when you learn that you just can’t do it, it takes its toll you know?”
“I understand we all have to be safe, but… I don’t know.”
Canada recently saw swift rises in the number of COVID-19 diagnoses, prompting federal authorities to suggest children stay home for Halloween. Alternatives to traditional trick or treating include a home spooky movie night with candy, and sourcing the razor blades from their parents.
Savarian has reportedly tried other holidays such as hiding sharp implements into children’s Christmas gifts or inside condoms for lovers on Valentine’s Day.
“It’s just not the same, you get kids coming to your door, it’s easy, they’re requesting the candy! Who’s going to take an unsolicited condom? Nobody, that’s who.”
“I tried to adjust, I really did,” Savarian continued. “What I wouldn’t give to see the face of a child light up, knowing that I just made his night and then ruined the rest of his life…”
Savarian then wiped away a single tear rolling down his cheek.
Hope may come for Savarian yet, as Ontario Premier Doug Ford changed his position on whether trick-or-treating is allowed or not 5 times since this morning.