LAVAL, QC – Hugo Drujon, age 50, has been eligible for weeks to receive a vaccination but has been holding out in an effort to avoid the inevitable offers of hugs at work that will come on…
Nation celebrates first ever successful use of KD push-in tab
STEINBACH, MB – Canadians across the country are in awe as Manitoban Amelia Kristensen shared an image of a perfectly opened Kraft Dinner package online with a cleanly punched in tab. Cong…
Liberal MP promotes his OnlyFans page during Virtual Question Period
OTTAWA – After being caught totally naked on camera during a recent Virtual Question Period, Liberal MP William Amos assured his constituents he was simply trying to raise the profile of hi…
Among Us game stalls as group of high-achieving women all claim to be impostors
Newmarket, ON – A game of Among Us has reached a stalemate as all of the players, successful women from various fields, have claimed to be the Impostor. Each of the seven women remains conv…
NHL finally finds the one bad referee causing officiating problems in all games
TORONTO – The NHL has announced that referee Tim Peel will no longer be working NHL games after being caught on mic saying that he wanted to give a penalty to one team regardless of infract…
Local introvert regrets making that wish on Monkey’s Paw last year
KITCHENER-WATERLOO – Herb White, a self-avowed introvert, expressed deep regret about the wish he made last year upon finding a monkey’s paw by the side of the road. “Since last year, a gl…
NHL vows to protect players’ elbows from spate of vicious headbutts
TORONTO – The NHL has moved to drastically reduce the ongoing plague of league-wide elbow injuries via headbutts by reckless players. Despite growing awareness of the damage done to players…
Russian opposition leader Navalny will get fair trial, says head judge Vladimir Rutin
MOSCOW – Following the arrest of frequent Vladimir Putin critic Alexei Navalny, skeptics have been assured that the upcoming trial will be fair and impartial, according to newly-appointed h…
Canadian physios overwhelmed as nation injured patting itself on the back
FORT LANGLEY, BC – Physiotherapists nationwide are reporting a sudden influx of Canadians who have been injured trying to pat themselves on the back after witnessing the chaos erupting in t…
RCMP warns of increased sectarian violence ahead of NHL’s new All-Canadian division
OTTAWA, ON – The RCMP has issued a Media Advisory warning Canadians of an increase in bloodshed, property damage and general assholery due to the NHL’s creation of an All-Canadian division,…