OTTAWA – A recent amendment to Canadian content laws has set a minimum quota for the celebrity partners of former Canadian Prime Ministers, requiring at least 55% of pop stars dated by retired PMs to be Canadian.
“We originally planned to set a minimum threshold of 35% Canadian pop star paramours, to align with the Canadian content standards for radio airplay,” said Allison Shepherd, a representative speaking on behalf of the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission. “But after considering the importance of the role and the surprising number of times we can expect to see this person’s Coachella selfies with the former PM pasted all over the internet and the nightly news, we decided to go with the higher 55% threshold required for Broadcast television.”
Shepherd added, “We’re also hoping that this increases the odds of Avril Lavigne finding a good husband. After Chad Kroeger, we think she deserves that.”
Under the new regulations, potential pop star paramours will be required to meet at least one of the following criteria to satisfy CanCon requirements:
- Is a citizen of Canada
- Is a permanent resident as defined by the Immigration Act, 1976
- Is a person whose ordinary place of residence was Canada for at least two years following the commencement of intercourse with a former Prime Minister
- Performs with a band whose membership is at least 60% Canadian
- Has Canadian vibes and a track record of at least two “North American tours” that included stops in Moncton, Winnipeg, Regina, or Edmonton; none of that “just Toronto and Vancouver” bullshit
Under the new law, at least two of Canada’s six living retired Prime Ministers will need to become romantically involved with Canadian pop stars to balance out Justin Trudeau’s relationship with American singer Katy Perry.
“Listen, I am a happily married man. Sheila and I have enjoyed 61 wonderful years together, and neither of us is going anywhere,” said 87-year-old former Prime Minister Paul Martin. “With that said, however, if she dies before I do, I call dibs on Nelly Furtado.”
In response to the news, Canadian pop star Carly Rae Jepson announced she will be releasing a re-recording of her 2012 smash hit “Call Me Maybe”; this version, written for former Prime Minister Jean Chretien, will have an amended chorus that goes “Hey I’ve never met you / and this is crazy / but you signed the Kyoto Protocols / so I’ll be your baby”.
Diana Fox Carney – the 60-year-old wife of current Prime Minister Mark Carney – has similarly announced that she will be dropping her first synth-pop album, titled “Public Asset”, to preemptively get ahead of the regulations.
