TORONTO – Loblaws is “stepping up to the cost of living plate” by offering a one-time court ordered payment worth approximately 33% of a typical grocery trip.
“Everyday I hear Canadians tell me how hard it is to make ends meet,” said Galen Weston Jr, whose company agreed to pay $500 million to settle a class-action lawsuit regarding their involvement in a bread price-fixing scheme. “And while the terms of our settlement allow us to remain offended that anyone would accuse us of ‘price gouging’, we’re proud to offer Canadians a generous gift of $49.11.”
Weston went on to encourage Canadians to spend this payment at their local Loblaws, noting how, “it could finally give you a chance to purchase something that doesn’t come in a yellow box.”
Asked how Loblaws would be able to afford such a substantial payment, Weston explained how the payment was made possible through donations collected at self-checkouts.
“When we asked you to donate money to help Canadians in need, little did you realize that Canadian in need… was you.”
“Oh also,” Weston added, “we’re mostly able to make that payment thanks to all the bread price fixing we did.”
Recipients of the generous under $50 gift reported being excitement at the possibility of upgrading their usual grocery purchases to something “more elegant”. Some report that this will afford them a chance to try food at Loblaws that doesn’t have a 50% off sticker on it.
“I’ve always wanted to eat a pack of fresh strawberries,” one shopper told reporters. “Or maybe I could just get two packages of strawberries that are about to go bad. There are so many options!”
As critics note that this payment would do nothing to address rising grocery costs, Weston defended his prices. “If Canadians think groceries are expensive, they should be grateful our prices don’t fluctuate as much as gas prices.”
Upon saying this, Loblaws announced plans to introduce digital price tags that will allow stores to update grocery prices in real time, “just like at the gas pumps.”
