Local man excited to regurgitate opinion he saw on Reddit
NEWMARKET, ON – After spending hours scrolling in order to reaffirm his world-view, local man James Reed is delightfully excited to regurgitate an opinion he saw on Reddit. At press time, Reed ma…
Alberta’s Conservatives call for schools to inform parents if students watched RuPaul’s Drag Race
RED DEER, AB – The United Conservative Party of Alberta held a policy convention last weekend which passed a resolution that will require all of the province’s schools to inform paren…
Men everywhere finally given excuse to brag about oral sex skills on social media
MIAMI – After DJ Khaled’s 2015 comments resurfaced on social media, straight men everywhere took to their keyboards to finally tell the world how much they like going down on women. DJ Khal…
Old guy in hostel wants to know what you’re up to tonight
PRAGUE – Sources inside Sr. Toby’s Hostel have advised that Petrov, the white haired man who has been hanging out in the common area every time you’ve been it, would like to know what your …
Woman’s involved nighttime skincare routine enters 4th excruciating hour
RED DEER, AB – Well past midnight on Tuesday, Sara Ahmadi braced herself to begin her fourth hour of skincare. “I think I originally adopted this nighttime routine as a means of self-care, …
Opera house phantom resigns amid allegation of sexual misconduct
PARIS – Amid serious allegations including stalking and sexual harassment, the once beloved disfigured singer, known simply as The Phantom, has stepped down from his role as the mysterious …
Facebook intentionally leaks billions of embarrassing personal details to show you aren’t perfect either
Menlo Park, CA – Social media giant Facebook announced today that they’ve intentionally leaked billions of its users embarrassing personal failures in an attempt to show the world that, hey…
Hardcore Marvel fans showing up early to watch Infinity War’s secret 160 minute pre-credit sequence
LOS ANGELES – While Marvel is known for inserting mid- and post-credit scenes into its films to keep fans in their seats while the credits rolls, Avengers: Infinity War is turning this prac…
Swarm of midges covers shift for absent patio server
KINGSTON – A throng of midges hovering over a bar’s patio were pressed into service last night serving thirsty customers after a waitress missed her shift. The Leviathan of small insects ha…
“I love people watching” reports local creep
KANMORE — Noted creep Jake Gubis has expressed his excitement for the leering – or ‘people watching’ – opportunities that warmer weather will bring. ”It all started when I went …