WINDSOR, ON – Trump administration officials are struggling to remember which of them specifically was bribed by billionaire donors to block the opening of the recently-constructed Gordie Howe Bridge.
The unveiling of the $6.4 billion Gordie Howe International Bridge, a joint Canadian-US project spanning decades, was abruptly halted when the billionaire Moroun family, owners of the competing Ambassador Bridge, called one of three US officials to request it be shut down. As a result, President Trump, Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, and Canadian Ambassador Pete Hoekstra recently convened on a phone call to attempt to remember which of them had had their palms greased.
“Taking a bribe from the Matthew (Moroun) sure sounds like something I’d do,” said Hoekstra, straining to remember as far back as January. “But maybe they paid off Howard (Lutnick) as well.”
“I was just trying to shake the Canadians down for a bigger cut of the bridge tolls,” responded Sec. Lutnick. “So I never got any of my customary manilla envelopes handed off under a table at a D.C. restaurant.”
Observers have noted that the administration’s effective and competent blocking of the massive infrastructure project could only indicate that someone had been paid a direct bribe to intervene. “We don’t do this kind of legislating for free, you know,” responded Hoekstra, before pausing to spit on a nearby Canadian flag.
Awaking from an unscheduled mid-call nap, President Trump lamented the difficulty in keeping track of his graft. “That’s one of the only drawbacks of these newfangled cryptocurrency bribes,” said the president while accepting another Qatari airplane as a gift.”There’s so many bribes coming in so fast that you can’t really keep track of who’s sending you what, and who you owe favors too. I guess I’ll just have to tell them to send a second bribe.”
Reached for comment, Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced a bold plan to hide at his cottage and “hope that President Trump has a change of heart, something he’s definitely known for.”
At press time, Prime Minister Carney was huddled with his PMO staff formulating a way to divert funds to bribe Trump to open the bridge, in a fashion that would also be profitable for wealthy condo developers.
