VATICAN CITY — Speaking to the handful of billionaires, CEO’s, and corporations that had immediately donated billions of dollars to rebuild the burned Notre Dame Cathedral, Pope Francis assured them that none of these funds would be used to help the poor.
Speaking in his chambers before presiding over Easter Sunday Mass, the pontiff assured his donors that not a dime of their money would ever go to feed, clothe, or house the less fortunate. “Rest assured, as the wealthiest church on the face of the planet, we here at the Vatican appreciate your donations. We especially understand your concerns over your hard-inherited money being used to help the destitute.”
“Trust me, we see eye to eye on this matter,” the Pope added with a wink, pointing to the room made of solid gold that he and the various billionaires were gathered in.
Pope Francis also assured the billionaire donors that the Catholic Church would not accidentally misplace their massive donations, and mistakenly let the funds get added to the charitable monies. “Of course we at the Vatican will keep very close track of your funds. It’s not like they’re a molesting priest,” the pontiff insisted.
Reached for comment, the Notre Dame donors echoed the Pope’s concerns. “If I wanted my money used to help poor people, then it’s not like I haven’t already had the opportunity,” explained luxury goods magnate Francois-Henri Pinault. After pledging $112 million of his family’s fortune, Pinault was reportedly quite relieved that his money would be spent exclusively on lovingly restoring 13th century masonry, and not at all on buying insulin for the needy.
While applauding the Pope’s efforts to keep their donations away ‘from the poors’, other donors took things a step further. “Not only will I be donating to the rebuilding efforts,” explained Bernard Arnault, CEO of LVMH and the richest man in Europe, “but I will also be reallocating donations that were meant to go to the poor, and sending them to rebuild Notre Dame’s extensive collection of Gothic bookcases.”
“After all, if the cost of doing business is donating some of my fortune to charity, then I would prefer it help as few people as humanly possible,” Arnault added.
At press time, the Vatican was aiming to collect $3 billion in donations, or roughly the same amount of people on Earth who live on less than $2.50 per day.