CALGARY – Animals on the endangered species list the world over are sick and tired of humanity’s obsession with watching their mating habits and they’re not keeping silent about it anymore.
“I understand that as a member of a charismatic vulnerable species, the humans are invested in my reproduction,” said Er Shun, a giant panda currently on exhibit at the Calgary Zoo. “But that doesn’t mean I should have to put up with your freaky stares. I’m trying to do my part to repopulate my species and y’all being thirsty creeps about it doesn’t help.”
Species other than the giant panda also have issues with the way humans watch them breed, and scientists are starting to take their concerns more seriously. While the common theory used to be that Dutch sailors hunted the Dodo to extinction, new scholarship of primary sources from the time suggests the rapt attention the sailors paid to the birds during their mating season played an equal part in that species’ demise.
“We’ve issued a ‘no leering’ edict here and hope other zoos and sanctuaries will follow suit,” said Dr. Kate Wellington, the head of veterinary medicine at the Calgary Zoo. “We’ve even taken the unprecedented step of starting a zero-tolerance policy concerning the consumption of popcorn and the chanting of ‘bowchickawowwow’ during the mating season of all of our animals.”
While most of the species on the endangered and vulnerable lists are fed up with human interference in their procreative activities, studies show several varieties of leopard and a surprisingly large number of endangered turtles prefer breeding in front of an enthusiastic and vocal audience.