“I couldn’t imagine life without my kids,” says man who looks like complete shit
REGINA – Local man Edward Thompson has told friends, family and several strangers at a Starbucks that life is meaningless without kids, all while looking like an exhausted drug addict who i…
Smiths Falls resident chasing big city dreams in Brockville
BROCKVILLE, ON – A bright-eyed 22-year-old has left his hometown of Smiths Falls to pursue his passions in the mega city of Brockville. Daryll Faber, an aspiring industry labourer has set h…
Film Review: Detective Pikachu glamorizes Pokémon-on-Pokémon violence
Detective Pikachu plunges audiences into the urban fantasy of Ryme City, a metropolis populated with humans and Pokémon “coexisting peacefully,” as long as the Pokémon serve us as bartenders and …
“Aspartame is bad for you,” says friend who just snorted gigantic line of ketamine
MONTREAL – Moments after doing a line of ketamine last night, Holden Morrisey, 23, revealed to an astonished crowd of warehouse partygoers that the can of Diet Coke his friend was holding would l…
Breaking: Tall woman recognized for something other than being tall
CALGARY — In a historic moment for tall women everywhere, Susan Kettleman was recognized for something outside of her height earlier today. “I assumed I was being asked into my boss’s…
Man carefully proofreads dick pic before sending
VANCOUVER – Sources outside the Roxy nightclub report that 22-year old Cody Parsons has finally sent a carefully composed and meticulously curated image of his semi-erect penis to a woman h…
Local man needlessly stressed that 23andMe will clone his terrible DNA
CALGARY — Reports indicate that local man, Michael Greenwich, refuses to use the 23andMe kit gifted to him by his Mother out of a fear that they will duplicate his absolutely heinous DNA. “…
Woman killed by monster after realizing running is worse than death
TORONTO – Following a terrifying appearance of a werewolf in Toronto’s High Park, 33-year-old accountant Felicia Delmont was savagely ripped to pieces due to her complete and utter refusal to eng…
Protesting seniors carrying 256-page weapons at MPP’s office has Ford government vowing stronger book control laws
BEAMSVILLE, ON – After a tense standoff between Ontario Progressive Conservative MPP Sam Oosterhoff constituency staff and about a dozen seniors heavily armed with books, Premier Doug Ford …
New royal baby already accomplished everything in life he is expected to
LONDON – Swiftly following the birth of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s first child, Buckingham Palace spokespeople confirmed that he has already achieved all goals, objectives, and purposes exp…
