TORONTO — This week, Premier Doug Ford announced a bold plan to privatize birds in the province of Ontario.
“We’ve been wasting money on public birds for too long,” said Ford. “We simply can’t afford all these birds.”
The new law will allow corporations to sponsor bird species by tying tiny banners to their feet and painting logos on their beaks. At press time, contracts have been finalized for a Pepsi Pigeon, a Go Daddy grackle, the Labatt Blue Heron, and a Nissan deal days duck.
Ford has also announced plans to cut down on the types of birds available in Canada. “Under Kathleen Wynne, Ontario’s bird population became bloated with almost 500 species, many of which are either redundant or plain ugly. Have you seen a cormorant lately? Get rid of it.”
“Not to mention, I’ve been talking to folks and heard stories about lineups out in the hallway, just to see a blue jay,” Ford added.
While the privatization of birds means that Ontarians will pay a nominal fee of ten cents per bird look, Ford expects the decision will benefit taxpayers in the long run. “With the extra income, I can print more anti carbon-tax posters, and cover legal fees for lawsuits against gas stations for not hanging them up.”
Many progressive activists have argued that Ford’s plan will lead to a two-tiered bird experience for Ontarians, with less affluent citizens only getting to look at pigeons, crows, and the occasional wounded grackle. “We oppose premier Ford’s bird privatization plans,” said NDP leader Andrea Horwath. “It;’s a fact that the average Ontarian household is just 400 dollars away from having no birds at all.”
Ford added that if the pilot project goes well, the province may consider privatizing animals and selected flowers. “We are already in talks with Tim Hortons for a Roll up the Raccoon event.” He also cited potential increased tourism from Americans coming to Canada to see generic birds.
Canada Goose brand has declined to sponsor Canada geese, as they are too busy killing them for feathers.
