NEW YORK — Following the death of jailed multimillionaire financier and accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, America’s billionaire creeps were left uncertain which of their many hired fixers had actually been the one to successfully fake Epstein’s jail cell suicide.
While official reports claim that the notorious sex trafficker managed to hang himself in his jail cell, despite being under 24-hour suicide watch, anonymous sources indicate that Epstein was not alone. As dozens of paid killers simultaneously attempted to silence Epstein on behalf of their shadowy billionaire employers who feared being exposed in the forthcoming trial, in the end no one was certain who actually ended the man’s life.
“This one was a real photo finish,” exclaimed celebrity lawyer and longtime Epstein associate Alan Dershowitz. “The fact is, Epstein had information on the depraved criminal acts of dozens of the most powerful men in America: presidents, hotel magnates, and other billionaire deviants. Allegedly.”
Dershowitz added, “But what’s important is not precisely who had Epstein killed – what’s important is that his death will bring an end to the trial in which he was the only defendant currently named.”
Dershowitz then excused himself to go wire money to an untraceable account in the Cayman Islands.
Nearby prisoners indicate that, at the time of the alleged suicide, Epstein’s cellblock was a madcap free-for-all of hitmen, mercenaries, hired assassins, CIA black ops specialists, and one very confused Rudy Giuliani carrying a length of garrotte wire.
“Yeah, it was pretty nuts,” explained Arthur Jergins, 35, in prison for auto theft. “I was in the cell across from Epstein trying to get some sleep, but all of a sudden the entire wing is filled up with mob hitmen and ex-special forces types, and they’re all arguing over who’s gonna get to fake this creep’s suicide.”
Alternately, some conspirators insist that Epstein was not killed by just one of the assassins, but rather by a group effort. “With so many rich scumbags hiring us killers all at once, this turned into a real ‘Murder On The Orient Express’ scenario. Everyone helped,” explained longtime professional hitman Martin Blank.
Sources also indicate that, of all the Epstein assassins working for high profile degenerates, none accepted contracts from President Trump because they knew they would never get paid.