TORONTO – A recent Freedom of Information request has revealed Ontario Premier Doug Ford has attempted to obtain a neuralyzer like the one featured in the Men in Black film series.
According to the report, $10 million of government funding has been set aside for an “electro bio-mechanical neural transmitting zero synapse repositioner” and several pairs of Ray-Ban sunglasses “from the MIB.”
With a declining popularity, a government plagued in corruption scandals, and cuts being to provincial services, the Ford government intends of resetting everyone’s mind to June 7th, 2018.
“People will forget about Dean French, the autistic kids, and our 5 month vacation so long as they stare into that red light,” wrote Premier Ford to his cabinet ministers in an email describing how the fictitious memory eraser worked. “I want the cool one from the first movie, not the big dumb one from the 60s from Men in Black 3. That’s too big and the press might catch on.”
Despite being told by staffers such an item does not exist and that the hit films were not documentaries, the Premier was adamant about obtaining them for every occasion in the event something bad happens and people should forget about it.
At press time, the Premier temporarily lost his sight after experimenting with a homemade neuralyzer made out of a flashlight and laser pointer constructed in his mother’s basement.