OTTAWA – Amid widescale reports of hoarding and empty store shelves, the Federal Government has mandated that all grocery store customers can only purchase as much food as they can store in their cheeks for the weeks ahead.
“We call it the Chipmunk Protocol,” said Roberta Lee Uxbridge, a Health Canada spokesperson, “and since we’re all behaving like panicked rodents at the moment, it makes sense to just go all-in.”
All baskets and carts will be removed from the front of stores and replaced with a box of disposable scoops and ‘cram-sticks’. Customers will then be permitted to scurry among the aisles and shove as much as they can into their mouths. Once full, cashiers will measure the bloat of their expanded cheeks to calculate the volume of what is inside.
“It really caused me to think hard about what I really need to survive these coming weeks. You ever try to wad an entire container of dried lentils into your mouth? I mean, it’s doable but so, so, so unpleasant,” said Martin Cambridge, a Loblaws shopper, through a mouthful of baby corn.
The goal of the program is to reduce the amount of unnecessary items being over-purchased by Canadians during the health crisis. Recent reports suggest the system is working, with fresh produce like grapes and chestnuts being purchased more often and watermelons falling far down the popularity list. Rumours have begun to trickle in that one individual somehow managed to exit a store with an entire frozen pizza, but those reports remain apocryphal.
“We want to warn everyone not to try to game the system,” said Uxbridge. “Do not bring your children with you to the store in order to fit some extra triscuits in their tiny mouths, do not hire a large-mouthed ringer to shop for you, do not practice unhinging your jaw like a python to pack more in.”
Despite those restrictions, stores have begun offering customers the ability to use the mouths of the bag boys to lug additional foodstuffs to their vehicles. All bag boys mouths will be sanitized in advance of this service.
“Bill came home yesterday with enough loose macaroni to feed us for a few days, which means there will be plenty left over for other people who need it too,” beamed Laura Wilde, a Calgary resident. “Unfortunately, I made the mistake of asking him to go and pick-up a kilo of table salt about an hour ago. I’ll really miss him.”
Disturbingly, supplies of toilet paper continue to sell out nationwide.