WASHINGTON DC – Following today’s announcement from Bernie Sanders’ campaign that the Vermont senator will no longer be seeking the Democratic nomination, the path has been cleared for a man credibly accused of multiple instances of sexual harassment and/or sexual assault to win the US presidency in 2020.
Sanders had a strong start to his campaign in spite of his outsider status as somebody who has never been accused of groping women without their consent, but eventually his lead diminished as pundits described the idea of putting somebody in the White House who treats women with respect as “unrealistic these days.”
“I don’t love the idea of voting for a candidate who has so little regard for a woman’s bodily autonomy,” stated Idaho voter Melissa Peverell. “But I’ll do it if it means stopping a candidate who has so little regard for a woman’s bodily autonomy!”
Some voters expressed surprise that of the thousands of potentially qualified candidates for one of the most powerful jobs on Earth, they would be forced to choose between two men who women have explicitly described as sexual predators, but the majority admitted that in America, this result was far more likely than say, two women being the presidential nominees.
The Democratic National Committee has responded to Sanders’ exit from the campaign with a press release stating that “it is now time to rally behind a moderate candidate with a moderate number of allegations of sexual misconduct.” The statement went on to praise the fact that the playing field between Democrats and Republicans was now leveled, “so instead of arguing about who forced himself on what woman, this election can instead focus on IDEAS.”
When faced with her options for voting in November, Florida voter Francine Dorchester summed it up by saying “I just can’t say no to these candidates.”