OTTAWA – In a Facebook Live press conference, Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam released numbers based on dynamic modeling that project the end of self-isolation will be a sopping wet,...
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
MONTREAL – The City of Montreal has decided to halt all road construction due to COVID-19 making it impossible for commuters to enjoy traffic delays as they usually do. “One of the pinnacles of ...
Governments anxiously await modelling to predict when they can resume cutting health budgets
TORONTO – Governments from across Canada and around the world have been anxiously awaiting predictive modelling that will give an educated guess of when they can resume gutting the public health...
Woman moves beyond bread-making stage of lockdown, breaks ground on mill in apartment
MOOSE JAW, SK – After a few weeks of staying home, Heather Chung has surpassed the bread making stage of self-isolation and has begun building a full-fledged flour mill in her one bedroom apartm...
Government attempts to stop coronavirus by outlawing communal worship of deity who created virus
OTTAWA – The government of Canada is officially ordering all Canadians to do their part to stop the spread of the deadly novel coronavirus by ceasing any and all worship of the divine entity/ent...
Comedy community rallies to create online show that people will also not watch
SKYPE – In a heartwarming story of determination, the local comedy community has rallied together to create an online show that people will also not watch. “I just started thinking of all those ...
Disney World employee just now realizing he forgot to put food down for Goofy before he locked up
ORLANDO, FL – A Disney World employee is in hot water after realizing he locked up for quarantine without leaving food down for Goofy. “Bob (Chapek, fmr. Director of Disney Parks) had created an...
Trudeau tides over nation’s sexually frustrated aunts by saying ‘moistly’
OTTAWA – During his daily COVID-19 press briefing, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau urged Canadians to wear a mask when talking to others since it prevents them from “breathing or speaking moistly ...
Government rejects universal basic income in favour of 3 minutes inside money booth
OTTAWA – The Canadian federal government has dismissed calls for the creation of a universal basic income as a response to the vast unemployment and economic upheaval caused by COVID-19, and has...
Local Sommelier just fuckin’ guessing
Niagara, ON – The wine-loving community was shocked today to learn that local Sommelier Jacob Tillaney has been absolutely just fuckin’ guessing every time he gives tasting notes for a bottle of...
