VANCOUVER — Local sales manager Brett Thomas has stated in no uncertain terms that he’s damned if he’s going to let his self isolation and time away from work motivate him to exercise.
“I understand that our entire global society has ground to a halt in a way that is historically unprecedented,” said Thomas to reporters via livestream, “But if we let that change our behaviour, the virus wins.”
“Plus did you know how many Pirates of the Caribbean movies there are to watch? Like 5.”
Scientific research has shown staying active during times of stress helps lower blood pressure and cholesterol and reduces the risk of heart disease, stroke, and diabetes, while Thomas’ research has shown that it’s gross and sweaty and you could just not.
Tara Mishra, Thomas’ girlfriend who has been keeping in touch via video chat apps where she only sees his face, is optimistic that he’ll pull himself together: “He’s always said he wishes he had more time to workout, so I’m sure he’s really taking advantage of this opportunity. I can’t wait to see him again. Quarantined? More like quaran-toned!”
Unfortunately, Thomas says its not as easy as taking 20 minutes every day to follow a simple YouTube tutorial. “I’m still pretty busy, even without work. I wake up at 10:00, have breakfast, then I need to nap for a bit, check social media on my phone while lying in bed, go for a second nap, ease into the day by playing Tomb Raider, and lunch. Then it’s my afternoon snooze on the couch, dinner, and a movie night. Then I go to bed. Gotta get my full eight hours”.
“Also I don’t have any equipment,” Thomas said, failing to acknowledge the dumbbells and kettlebell weights that have lain unused in his closet since he bought them three years ago.
Thomas has had to stay vigilant, as he almost fell into the trap of unintentional exercise: “I almost walked down the street to Popeyes. Can you imagine? Luckily I remembered they’re offering free delivery and ordered in.”