“We promise this article has nothing to do with COVID-19” by the Beaverton editorial board - The Beaverton
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“We promise this article has nothing to do with COVID-19” by the Beaverton editorial board

To our devoted readers, hello, bonjour. We, at the Beaverton, can’t decide what’s worse: being inundated daily by negative news or instagram live notifications. Trust us – we are just as tired of writing about as you are reading about it. So, let’s take a mini mental vacation from it all – a little palate cleanser, if you will – and we solemnly swear this article will have nothing to do with that-which-shall-not-be-named.

Remember Love is Blind? That dating show where people got engaged before actually meeting? Remember how annoying Jessica was with her baby voice? That show was insane. Imagine being locked up, away from the outside world, and forced to only interact with people through a wall or screen. How desperate for human connection do you have to be to fall in love with someone who isn’t physically present!? People do pretty crazy things when they’re in isolation. Ha…ha…ha.

Dammit.

Oh! Keto! The Ketogenic diet was pretty popular. We couldn’t go anywhere without Connor from marketing flaunting his no-carb, high-fat chicken alfredo recipe. How it helped him lose “unwanted belly fat” and finally flatten that curv – uuhhh, I mean… yeah, shit. Did it again…

Movies! Everybody loves movies! One recent breakout hit was the horror flick The Invisible Man, featuring Elizabeth Moss fighting an invisible killer and in constant fear of dying from something she…couldn’t see…um…And if horror wasn’t your thing, we had the next Disney live-action remake to look forward to: Mulan. SHIT.

Music! Lady Gaga released Stupid Love, in anticipation of her sixth studio album Chromatica. It’s been twelve years since the debut of Poker Face…poke her face…touch your face… don’t touch your face… don’t stand, don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me… OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM, EI EI OH!!!

EI. REMEMBER TO APPLY… TWO PLY… THREE PLY… FUCK.

WEATHER? HOW ABOUT WEATHER? Summer is almost here and soon it’ll be patio season. Picture this: five of your best friends (or “mates” if you’re British) sitting around, laughing and drinking beers… cold beers… cold, amber beers…

…with a single slice of lime..

Yeah, it’s a Corona. We’re visualizing a Corona. GOD! DAMMIT! We give up.

Okay, fine. It’s difficult to not write about the ONE FUCKING THING that is on everyone’s mind. So, next week, check back as we ABSOLUTELY don’t write about Tiger King.