SASKATOON – The government of Saskatchewan declared the province officially reopened for business today, moments after resident Ilana Shaw finished giving herself the worst haircut of all time. ...
Trump frankly disappointed more haven’t died yet
WASHINGTON D.C. — During his latest briefing on the deadly coronavirus pandemic, a frustrated President Trump admitted to reporters that he is “actually kind of annoyed” that the death toll has ...
Canada Post overwhelmed by volume of wistful love-letters sent to nation’s eyebrow estheticians
OTTAWA – As a result of COVID-19 public safety measures, thousands of salons nationwide have closed down. Without access to regular eyebrow maintenance appointments, women have begun flooding Ca...
Snowbirds boost morale by scaring the shit out of everyone
FREDERICTON, NB – In an effort to improve national morale during the COVID-19 crisis, the Canadian Forces Snowbirds have embarked on a countrywide tour starting today in New Brunswick. The famou...
Exhausted nurse can’t wait to come home to neighbourhood kids banging on pots and pans for five minutes straight
WINDSOR – Exhausted nurse Lucia Ramierez addressed reporters this morning to announce she simply cannot wait to come home from her sixteen hour shift, rife with tragedy, to all the neighbourhood...
Peter MacKay promises never to use tragedies to prevent further tragedies
OTTAWA – Conservative Party leadership hopeful and native Nova Scotian Peter MacKay announced in a video on his Twitter feed today his disgust with the Trudeau government’s proposed ban on assau...
Report: Jessica acting like a real domestic slut ever since she got a Le Creuset Dutch Oven
RICHMOND HILL, ON – Upon acquiring a $500 Le Creuset brand dutch oven, sources are reporting that Jessica Sanghvi has been acting like a notoriously domesticated slut by spending the majority of...
Canadian man furious that Liberals infringing on his second amendment rights
Grande Prairie, AB – In the wake of Justin Trudeau announcing that his government will ban most assault style weapons, local man Hank Cook is demanding to know why the government thinks it has t...
Alberta insists oil workers essential, essential-oil workers not essential
EDMONTON – The government of Alberta reiterated today that the province considers workers in the oil industry to be essential while workers in the essential-oil industry are considered non-essen...
No one in Zoom Parliament going to tell Andrew Scheer that he is on mute
OTTAWA – As Canadian MPs participated in the second ever zoom parliament, all of them had silently agreed not to tell Leader of the Opposition Andrew Scheer that he has left his mute on and no o...
