WASHINGTON D.C. — During his latest briefing on the deadly coronavirus pandemic, a frustrated President Trump admitted to reporters that he is “actually kind of annoyed” that the death toll has only risen to 68,040.
“Look, I don’t want people to die, per se,” explained the visibly-irritated POTUS. “It’s just that I’ve been hearing from all these whiny experts and doctors since way back in January that millions of people could die on my watch, and at this point I’m just like ‘show me what you got’.”
“Like, at least it’d be a change of pace,” Trump added glumly.
The president went on to lament the many efforts he has made to stop the coronavirus, including: yelling at it; ignoring it; calling it mean names; “telling Jared to fix it”; blaming it on Democrats/China/James Comey; and offering it a bribe.
“None of my beautiful plans have worked, so if we’re stuck with this thing we might as well let ‘er rip and get that death toll as huge as possible. Right? At the very least we can beat that loser Woodrow Wilson’s record for the Spanish Flu.”
Trump then went on to reassure the assembled press corp that his wish for more deaths would not result in him dying, as he would assuredly receive “better medical care than all of you put together.”
While Washington insiders have debated whether an increased COVID-19 death toll would actually lift Trump’s spirits, medical experts have drawn a distinction. “A psychology like Trump’s does not actually seem to be capable of emotions like ‘happy’ or ‘joy’,” explained Dr. Sheila Watterson, Lead Researcher for the University of Maryland’s Abnormal Psychology Department.
“Getting his way – in this case by witnessing a massive spike in American deaths – wouldn’t exactly make Trump happy,” Dr. Watterson explained. “Rather it would create in him a recently-discovered joy-adjacent emotion that we doctors have termed ‘antipathy-driven amusement’ or ‘Trumpenfreude’.”
“We think it’s the most he’s capable of,” Dr. Watterson concluded.
Back in Washington, White House insiders were eager to expand on Trump’s stated wish to “see some real shit” with more coronavirus deaths.
“Once the president realized that more deaths were unavoidable, he got very excited by the idea of sending sick people to cough on his enemies,” explained one anonymous source. “He was already yelling at someone to look up Rosie O’Donnell’s address, before we realized it might constitute a war crime. Then he was upset all over again.”
Meanwhile, other West Wing Aides refused to comment on whether Trump’s wish for an increase in deaths was related to the recent launch of Trump Brand Body Bags.
At press time, Trump has announced plans to accelerate the US death toll by shipping every American snack-sized samples of bleach, and also putting Eric in charge.