TORONTO – James Brennan, head of programming for TSN, is so desperate for some kind of sport to show the nation that he is just going to start playing full games of his high school hockey team, ...
Toronto vows to continue gentrification with or without the help of Sidewalk Labs
TORONTO – Citing economic uncertainty, Google affiliate company Sidewalk Labs announced that it is abandoning plans to build a high-tech neighbourhood on the city’s waterfront. However, the City...
But if you take away my assault weapons, I’m just a regular man with hundreds of small guns
By Bobby Stonehouse Not-my-Prime-Minister Justin Trudeau announced last week that Canada would be banning assault weapons, and I, for one, am P’d the F OFF. By doing this, JUSTIN has robbed me of my c...
Housemate sure picked hell of a time to get back into Ska
SUDBURY — Amidst a global pandemic and strict social distancing rules that require Canadians to stay at home unless absolutely necessary, local housemate Mark Thomson has sure picked a hell of a time ...
Man discerns passage of time with ripeness of bananas
LIVING ROOM – As Canada enters its third month of mandatory self isolation, local man, Max Easton, has abandoned all traditional concepts of time and has decided to discern his days using the ri...
Following social distancing rules toughest for Canadians trapped in a human centipede
A CRAZY DOCTOR’S LABORATORY – As various levels of government continue to advise Canadians to follow social distancing rules, officials admit that this can be very challenging for some, like peo...
Women rejoice as men mandated to stay 6ft away
TORONTO – As a result of COVID-19 social distancing women are rejoicing as men have been required to stay at least 6 ft away. Relieved to have some downtime from cat-calling Craig’s, lurking Lar...
Conservatives worry federal benefits may discourage some Canadians from going back to indentured servitude
OTTAWA – As the federal government pleads with Canadians to continue respecting pandemic measures, the opposition Conservatives are warning that emergency aid could discourage some Canadians fro...
New Twilight novel leads to mass riots as world forced to choose between Edward and Jacob once again
FORKS, WA – Fifteen years after the vampire-romance novel Twilight was published, author Stephanie Meyer has announced that a prequel will be released this August. The news of the upcoming book,...
Hubble Telescope turns 30, wonders if entire universe is all there is
LOW EARTH ORBIT – A week after celebrating 30 years of documenting the cosmic majesty of the universe, the Hubble Space Telescope is struggling with feelings of ennui and contemplating if all th...
