Snowbirds boost morale by scaring the shit out of everyone - The Beaverton
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Snowbirds boost morale by scaring the shit out of everyone

FREDERICTON, NB – In an effort to improve national morale during the COVID-19 crisis, the Canadian Forces have embarked on a countrywide tour starting today in New Brunswick. The famous Air Demonstration Squadron plans to fly over as many Canadian cities as possible in a show of support for front-line workers designed to freak them, and everybody else, out.

The mission, known officially as Operation What The Hell?, was an immediate success, startling thousands of onlookers in Fredericton and Saint John. Lauren James, an accountant who’s been on edge for months because of the pandemic, recalls seeing a group of jets streak by overhead and immediately assuming the country was at war.

“I’ve been suffering from some pretty serious panic attacks lately, so it was shocking to see the sky suddenly filled with flying warcraft,” James said. “Maybe if it were accompanied by skywriting letting me know this was for entertainment purposes only?”

The Snowbirds typically perform at air shows for audiences who are prepared for the appearance of aerial combat machines, but the Department of National Defence decided that the interests of the nation were best served during the current emergency by pulling the pilots out of their physical distancing and having them embark on a cross-country tour. Hope remains high that the pilots will be able to avoid contracting the coronavirus during the tour through a combination of hand-washing, mask-wearing, and flyboy moxie.

“If there’s one thing the Canadian public needs right now, it’s to have the bejesus scared out of them,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau explained when announcing the operation. “People will ask themselves, Is it the Russians? Have international relations collapsed due to the worldwide catastrophe? Am I about to die in a reign of fire from above? and they will feel wonderful when they eventually realize the answer to those terrifying questions is no.”

If Operation What The Hell? goes smoothly, the Liberal government plans to follow it up by sending chainsaw-wielding stunt performers into the streets of COVID-19-stricken cities to chase down pedestrians.