TORONTO – As a result of COVID-19 social distancing women are rejoicing as men have been required to stay at least 6 ft away. Relieved to have some downtime from cat-calling Craig’s, lurking Larry’s and peeping Tom’s, many women see the new pandemic as only a minor inconvenience compared to the ever-present toxic ‘mandemic’ that they face on a daily basis.
Women, no strangers to recoiling from unwanted physical touch, are over the moon to have authorities on their side, for once. Local woman Holly Wrightt says she was delighted when a man was ticketed merely for looking in her direction and clearing his throat as if to speak moistly.
“My knuckles have finally healed from desperately clutching my keys whilst walking home at night!” stated another thrilled woman who typically wears a hood to avoid men’s slobbering leers.
Devoid of the siren song of an “innocent backrub,” other women have discovered the inconvenient truth of their man’s actual personality. This came to light after Justin Trudeau was mandated to stay 6 ft away from his own wife, Sophie, who emerged from quarantine appearing well-rested and practically glowing. It’s presumed that in isolation she realized her persistent headaches were only partially due to the virus, and largely due to defending her man’s overenthusiastic costume ideas and mid-life crisis goatee.
Experts suggest that this is a great time for self-reflection and that men should take this time to self-isolate in their room and think about what they’ve done. However, studies show that instead of booking online therapy, many have simply resigned to crashing their ex’s Zoom chats, delving the depths of PornHub Premium, and masturbating repeatedly with no signs of stopping in sight.