A CRAZY DOCTOR’S LABORATORY – As various levels of government continue to advise Canadians to follow social distancing rules, officials admit that this can be very challenging for some, like people who help care for elderly family members, or people who have been sowed into a human centipede.
“We want all Canadians to stay about 2 metres apart,” said Dr. Theresa Tam. “But we know that can be hard if you’ve had your mouth surgically joined to the anus of another human being in order to create one long digestive system.”
“If you’re the middle one it’s basically impossible,” she added.
Health Canada has been trying to figure out modified social distancing techniques for the thousands of people currently ‘centipeding,’ including regularly washing their hands and staying at least a hockey stick length from the evil German doctor that did this to you.
“Obviously I’d love to be six feet away from other people. And not just because of COVID. It’s been AGES since I had a little alone time. But it’s not gonna happen is it?” said Henry Prince, the head of one centipede.
“Mmmmmm. Mmmmmmmm!!” said the people behind him in the centipede, presumably in agreement.
But there was some good news. Quarantine is reportedly going great for the many Canadians currently traversing a seemingly endless series of cubes that move in an unrecognizable pattern. Although admittedly for them COVID-19 poses less of a danger than the booby traps constantly burning or dicing them.