FORKS, WA – Fifteen years after the vampire-romance novel Twilight was published, author Stephanie Meyer has announced that a prequel will be released this August. The news of the upcoming book, Midnight Sun, has resulted in devastating and catastrophic riots across the world as humanity contends with whether they belong to Team Edward or Team Jacob.
“I thought this sort of tribalism mentality would have ended in 2012 when the movie adaptation of the second part of the fourth novel was released,” muttered 24 year-old Harjit Anand while reloading a shotgun. “I prayed that my younger sisters would never have to endure the brutality that young adult fiction could bring out in people.”
Early reports show that riots have broken out in almost every major city across the globe where the original series was published in 37 different languages. Many arrests have been made as fist-fights, knife-fights, and gun-fights have erupted between passionate parties along both sides of the heteronormative lines.
“I met my best friend after the sexy vampire craze had died out, so I literally just found out that she’s a cretin who pledges her allegiance to that were-cuck Jacob Black,” spat 36 year-old Chelsea Saffitz disdainfully before lighting up a Molotov cocktail. “She essentially endorses beastiality! She couldn’t even defend the fact that he just goes and IMPRINTS ON BELLA’S NEW BORN DAUGHTER?”
A group of anti-Edward Cullen fanatics took to the White House to protest the impending novel set entirely from his perspective.
“To say that the year 2020 has had a rocky start is an understatement, but I draw the line when it comes to the pedophilic ramblings of a 119 year-old bloodsucker” sighed organizer Sophia Regie. “At the very least I haven’t encountered anyone who’s on Team Jasper, because if I did… I would be forced to kill them on sight.”
As of press time, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s respective agents were desperately pleading their clients to reunite on the inevitably lucrative film adaptation, while Taylor Lautner’s team just exclaimed “Fuck I knew I forgot about something.”
