Party-goer sure New Year’s cigar won’t make him throw up this time
TORONTO – In spite of four previous years’ worth of contrary evidence, local man Jeff Andrews is firm in his belief that he can handle a cigar without becoming horribly ill this New Year’s Eve. “…
Platonic friends have same number of faces, vertices, are fucking
MONTREAL – Insisting that they’re ‘just friends’, a pair of local octahedrons share the same number of edges and interior angle degrees, and are secretly having just the nastiest sex with e…
Local man unashamed that he still owns devil-sticks
Nineteen years after he first got them, Kingston resident Darren McPhee, 33, has reaffirmed publicly that he both owns devil-sticks and regularly uses them. “Yeah, I stick,” said McPhee, “I can k…
Italian dinner interrupted by violent antipasto demonstration
WOODBRIDGE, ON – A pleasant end-of-week dinner at Alice Fazooli’s restaurant in Woodbridge was interrupted for many families yesterday evening when a ten-person mob of antipasto protesters storme…
Plucky investigative reporter found extremely dead
TORONTO – After spending several days delving into the dark world of political corruption, Ken Smead, a local idealistic reporter, has been found super-duper murdered. “Hoo boy,” said city …
Vancouver makes New Year’s Resolution to stop tempting gods with mortal hubris
VANCOUVER – In the wake of a magnitude 4.9 earthquake that struck the BC coast late Tuesday night, Vancouver City Council has unanimously passed a New Year’s Resolution to avoid invoking the wrat…
Health-conscious dweeb opts for knuckle salad
TORONTO – Local dorkazoid Lewis Milliken has turned down a knuckle sandwich being offered by several men in a dark alleyway, preferring instead to get a healthier alternative. “Normally I’d…
Body of Jimmy Hoffa discovered behind permanent retainer wire
DETROIT, MI – After a decades-long search, authorities have located the body of labour leader Jimmy Hoffa behind the permanent retainer wire of local 20-year-old Flora Williams. “It’s tough…
Bill Cosby accidentally says 36 different names when asked about sexual assault charge
PENNSYLVANIA – After being charged with sexual assault Bill Cosby has unintentionally said 36 different female names when answering questions from reporters. “Charges? Oh of course the char…
TTC reminds commuters not to lick subway tracks
TORONTO – In a repeat of last year’s campaign, the Toronto Transit Commission is reminding commuters not to leave the safety of subway platforms to lick the tracks. “You’re not impressing a…
